AIMS test you can really use

Apr. 30, 2003 12:00 AM

Finally, it's here. The week of reckoning. That terrifying time when we put our children through their standardized paces to find out if they've actually learned anything.

To find out whether the future of Arizona will be needing a cap and gown or a hairnet and apron.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for standards and for instruments to measure them. But the dreaded Arizona Instrument to Measure Standards is asking about all the wrong stuff. Oh sure, kids may be able to puzzle out whether alternate interior angles are congruent when two parallel lines are cut by a transversal. They may even be able to solve for that pesky y and that elusive x.

But can they figure out what our leaders are up to? Or why on Earth Jim Irvin is still in office?

Can anyone?

That's why today I am releasing my own AIMS, a real-life exam designed to give you an actual education about life in Arizona. I call it the Ain't It a Mystifying State test.

Pass it, and you, too, can say that there is surely no place like home.

Government: According to the Arizona Constitution, a city can't take a man's land and give it to someone else. This means:

A. A city can't take a man's land and give it to someone else.

B. A city can't take a man's land and give it to someone else, unless two-thirds of the City Council says so four times.

Answer: B. This, our Legislature calls "reform." The rest of us call it unconstitutional.

Current (non) events: A tax loophole is:

A. A handy place to find a few hundred million dollars by eliminating certain special handouts to certain special groups.

B. An arcane knitting stitch.

Answer: It must be B, because strangely, nobody talks about A anymore.

Personal finance: You are walking across city grounds, slip on some grass and wrench your knee. It's best if you:

A. Make sure you see a doctor and get it taken care of.

B. Make sure you are Chandler's police chief. That way, when you're forced to exit the city four years later, you can claim it as a disability and for the rest of your life avoid income taxes.

Answer: B. Of course, B.

Logic: Taxpayers pay $35 a day, seven days a week to each of Maricopa County's 50 lawmakers to cover their expenses while the Legislature is in session. Last year, Maricopa County lawmakers managed to collect an average of $7,269 apiece for their expenses. We pay this because:

A. Maricopa County lawmakers are far away from home and must rent a hotel room.

B. Maricopa County lawmakers are far away from home and must eat out every meal.

C. Maricopa County lawmakers long ago scammed us into thinking that they actually have expenses.

Answer: C. They already live here. They already eat. They already collect mileage to the Capitol. So what expenses?

Criminal justice: Heidi Ann Hakes is a 35-year-old Scottsdale woman who injured two people when she drove her Dodge Durango into a restaurant after having a few drinks last week.

Keith Alan Moore is a 51-year-old Tempe attorney and Superior Court pro tem judge who struck and killed an 18-year-old earlier this month on a Mesa street. Tests at the scene showed Moore had an alcohol content of 0.20 percent. He also had his 10-year-old son and several open vodka bottles in his Mercedes.

Knowing that we take drunken driving seriously in this state, which one would you guess spent a night in the pokey and which went home?

Answer: Do I even need to tell you?

Reach Roberts at laurie.roberts@arizonarepublic.com or (602) 444-8635.

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